paper on boundary-making

[Adam Blatner]

For those of you who work with relationships---especially with married couples, though it applies in all relationships--- I wrote a chapter titled "Boundaries and Access" for my monograph in 1985, "Creating Your Living"--- which I'm revising into a book. This chapter was revised as a paper in the UK journal "New Therapist" a few years ago and I just posted it on my website: http://www.blatner.com/adam/psyntbk/boundariesaccess.html   

   I was motivated to do this in the course of discussing the idea that as tele builds, transference decreases, especially when tele moves from medium to strongly positive over time.  My point is that in an ideal relationship, people will encounter: This is a general term when it is done in an ideal way involving scores of skills of self-awareness, communications, and problem-solving. My wife and I have been experimenting with how we can improve our relationships. It's good, it's always been good, and it gradually gets better. These skills we learn together we also apply with our now adult children and good friends.   Part of our tele, then, is because we appreciate the kindness of the other in trying to build the bridge, back off from confrontation, withhold displacements, and reach for the best in each other. 
       We are aware of our shadow complexes and admit them, sometimes playing them out in a monodrama, one voice (lower self) arguing with another (higher self) in a kind of dialogue while a managing-deciding self listens, draws out all parts, and decides. 

      What I'm saying is that transference doesn't just dissolve automatically as tele grows, you need to work at letting go of foolish and immature tendencies to blame, play the victim, and in other ways manipulate.    Warmly, Adam
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