neuroscience and social feeling

Tue Jan 26 08:19:46 CST 2010

  Adam,

I like the "gratitudeism"  It is, as Saphira notes, such a spritual 
practice, keeping us connected to not only a positive mindset and also 
helps me stay open to the reality that somethings I thought I wanted 
would have not so great and some things I dreaded turned out to be 
incredible gifts.  Perhaps it even helps me surrender control and trust 
more.

I am thinking, as I read your question, about sitting w/ my non-violent 
communication group and as people shared their authentic selves, made 
eye contact (though this is clearly cultural because some cultures do 
not do this) allowed themselves to connect to others, others responded 
by saying things like "I feel more connected to you now."  I've also 
felt continued reservation about a member of the same group even after 
he made himself more vulnerable, spoke from his heart rather than his 
head, as soon as he went back to his head and to his "story."  Perhaps 
it s the ability that psychodrama and other forms of self-development 
give us to "get past our stories" and get past other people's stories 
that enhances tele, especially when we are able to empathize with the 
other.

peace,
regina

On Mon, Jan 25, 2010 at 3:35 PM, Adam Blatner wrote:

  Hi Pals,
     Although what I call the "hostess role"  is more common and better 
known in women, this role and its components are not  inherently or 
necessarily associated with women. 
http://www.blatner.com/adam/pdntbk/sociomnot2.htm 
<http://www.blatner.com/adam/pdntbk/sociomnot2.htm>       Men can do it 
too, if they learn how important it is.

      As for how to answer the how are  you question, my dear 
mother-in-law (just turned 94) taught me a line that she  heard friends 
using there at the residence where she lives, and I've begun to  use it: 
"Counting my blessings."  So even if I'm not well or life has  worries 
or stresses, here's an excercise that's close to prayer, but not 
religiously pushy. I call it "gratitudinism."

     My problem is that if people were  to ask me how I am, I'd be 
tempted to say, "Thinkin' about exciting things,  ideas, problems. Check 
out my blog." or other stuff... but that's sort  of eccentric. I just 
had an acquaintance ask me, "Hi, Adam, still thinking  about things?"
        I was tempted to say,  "Duh. Doesn't everyone think about things 
a lot?" But then I realized the  answer. It depends on what you mean by 
thinking.

    Anyway, my point is that beyond the  greetings, a significant 
related point in sociometry is the idea that we  can do a lot to develop 
the tele in our social network. There are also  limits to what we can 
do. Sometimes we can't make ourselves fit more than partly  with certain 
others or groups. But I think more people err on the side of  holding 
back, unconsciously avoiding risk lest the response be lukewarm or 
indifferent, and that would feel a bit humiliating and hurt. It is just 
this  edge that I want to gently encourage shifting in the direction of 
a  little more interpersonal risk-taking. Can tele be enhanced?
            Warmly, Adam
----- Original Message -----
 From: thana ag <mailto:anathga at hotmail.com> 
<mailto:anathga at hotmail.com>
To: regina sewell <mailto:reginasewell at optonline.net> ; adam blatner 
<mailto:adam at blatner.com>  <mailto:adam at blatner.com>
Cc: list at grouptalkweb.org <mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org> 
<mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org>
Sent: Monday, January 25, 2010 1:53    PM 
<mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org>
Subject: RE: neuroscience and social    feeling 
<mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org>

  <mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org>

Hi Adam,Regina, and All
Interestingly the Kabballah    states that love is found  the connection 
between us,and in order to    feel connected we need to to act in a way 
that we will fell connected.    "love thy neighbor" would mean feel 
connected to them. That pleasurable    experience that filsl one up is 
described as of feminine    quality.
In my experience it is the genuine  concern    of the waiter that  gives 
me  a whiff of that pleasurable    feeling of  connectness and I feel 
like responding in kindness    and I tip joyfully and enjoy paying  the 
dr's bill. But I do    not necesserily experience it when I am the 
recipient of the      the cultural conserve : so how are the 
children/spouse/dog when    the party  is clearly not particularly 
interested in my answer ,and    I feel the words getting stuck in my 
throat but my politeness requires that I    answer the Q .
Genuine concern requires less time. It is after    all  an attitudenot 
necessarily a skill, worth cultivating, and it    seems that it may be 
an attitude  necessary for our  survival    in a future marked by 
evolved technology.
So  Adam    ,Regina,and Rest: how are you? It is rainy and gloomy in New 
York,and I am    happy for those of you who can enjoy some sunshine 
today.
sunny    hugs,
anath
anath garber
> Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:08:00    -0500 From: 
> reginasewell at optonline.net Subject: RE:    neuroscience and social 
> feeling To: adam at blatner.com CC:    list at grouptalkweb.org
> Adam,
> Alas, what you    describe -- the strokes, the curtiousness, the thank 
> you note, the    added question 'and how's your 
> wife/partner/dog/child?' We used to    call that good manners. It 
> seems in our time obsessed society, we've    let go of that piece of 
> the old cultural conserve.
> I saw a    news clip on bullying in schools that looked at social 
> hierarchies    and who made it to the top. The people who make it to 
> the top tend --    if male be good at sports, mature early, and/or be 
> funny. Money of    course is helpful. Girls, it's money and looks... 
> And some of this    ties into social skills. The people who have 
> better social skills    from the get go tend to acquire even more 
> skills as adults because    they are around other socially skilled 
> people. They socially clueless    tend to remain socially clueless 
> because they hang out w/ other    clueless people -- that's the theory 
> anyway. At some level, this links with Seigel's attachment theory. It 
> starts so early. And yet, it can be learned.
> And it has big impact. According to news    reports, for example, the 
> doctors who get sued are not the least    competent. They are the 
> biggest assholes. I know it works w/ tips and    waiters. Charm and 
> genuine concern go much further than getting the    order perfectly 
> right and the water perfectly on time.
> As I write this, I'm noting that we all have a fundamental need for 
> connection and yet our culture has, I think, taught us that doing 
> those things which foster connection are feminine, subservient and 
> thus signs of weakness.
> Peace,    regina
>
> On Fri, Jan 22, 2010 at 5:18 PM, Adam Blatner    wrote:
>> Dear Regina, I appreciate your    bringing up Siegel, because indeed 
>> the neurophysiologists and    new research in cognitive and social 
>> psychology all are    supporting the power of interpersonal psychic 
>> resonance. People    pick up subtle cues and respond. Now, let's say 
>> we get it,    fully. My style is to leap into the so-whatness of 
>> things, the    implications, what Jung called an "intuitive type" 
>> ---not that I'm more intuitive---he meant what I said, oriented to 
>> the    implications. So if we were to make a firm foundation of all 
>> this    that it's true, then what would we be empowered or encouraged 
>> to    do more of or less of?
>> It seems to me    that the growing literature on both 
>> neuro-physiology and social    intelligence has at least (for 
>> starters) the following    implication:
>> It is not taught in college, and not    even in medical school or 
>> psychiatric residency and I doubt that    it's taught in most 
>> counseling programs. But I think that we    need to emphasize and 
>> advocate for the importance of explicitly    learning to be gracious, 
>> hospitable, courteous, warm, friendly,    attentive, rather than 
>> distracted, self-absorbed, curt, rude,    brisk, cool, etc. I suspect 
>> that faculty sort of take it for    granted, but I wonder if they 
>> should.
>>    For example, what if most folks are about at a mid-range in skill 
>> in this way. They're reasonably nice and courteous, enough to get by, 
>> but few actually make a conscious effort to be gracious, to send 
>> thank you messages, to do more than what is clearly    discourteous. 
>> On the other hand, many of these normal people    think of themselves 
>> as benign, but actually create their lives    so they feel too "busy" 
>> to attend to the little things that make    people feel noticed and 
>> appreciated. This is the key starting    point!! I suspect that most 
>> people don't let on that they desire    more strokes; don't even 
>> admit to themselves that they need more    strokes.
>> Doctors, professionals, lots of stories    about people who clients 
>> feel don't really listen, don't really    care. Now I know that most 
>> docs care, but they haven't had much    modeling in knowing how to 
>> show it.
>>    There are lots of folks who don't respond at all to repeated 
>> outreach via email, or only occasionaly.
>> Another    problem is that people who want to be known, appreciated, 
>> disclose so indirectly, so partially, that it's hard to appreciate 
>> them if if one tried. It's as if they unconsciously feel/think, "If 
>> you really loved me you could read my mind."
>> So the good work being done on neurophysiology is important,    it 
>> helps to lay the foundation. My interest shifts into methods    for 
>> harvesting what they've been learning, turning into    applications. 
>> I also wonder about the active unconscious    resistances to social 
>> bonding, the self-reinforcing cycle that    is based on 
>> defensiveness. Some people grow so cold that they    defend 
>> themselves from knowing how hungry their heart is for    someone to 
>> notice, to care, to want to know who you are, to be    your friend. 
>> Their vague wistful fantasy may whisper, "Does that    happen 
>> anymore? Or was that just in children's stories, so it    seemed?"
>> I do believe we're in a world of    significant alienation, and part 
>> of that is that people who are    lonely and not getting enough 
>> strokes-- I'm big into Eric    Berne's concept of strokes--- and I 
>> think most healthy people    are getting now about 50% of the number 
>> of strokes that would be    optimal. I think folks have forgotten to 
>> dream again that there    could be communities where people felt 
>> relaxed enough, where    there was sufficient group cohesion and 
>> morale, so that A might take the time to ask B, How're ya doin? and 
>> really want to know.
>> I guess this also fits with another thought that when Moreno 
>> talked about groups, he was referring not to psychotherapy    groups 
>> (or only peripherally), but more the general sense of    we-ness, of 
>> community, of what can people do to promote    community-feeling and 
>> build on community energy.
>> More reflections on your comments later. warmly,    adam
>
> Grouptalk mailing list    List at grouptalkweb.org 
> http://grouptalkweb.org/mailman/listinfo/list_grouptalkweb.org

___________________________________ <mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org>

Your E-mail and More On-the-Go. Get Windows Live Hotmail Free. Sign up 
now. <http://clk.atdmt.com/GBL/go/196390709/direct/01/>
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://grouptalkweb.org/pipermail/list_grouptalkweb.org/attachments/20100126/cd90db38/attachment.html>