neuroscience and social feeling

[Adam Blatner]

 Dear Regina,
     I appreciate your bringing up Siegel, because indeed the neurophysiologists and new 
research in cognitive and social psychology all are supporting the power of interpersonal 
psychic resonance. People pick up subtle cues and respond.  Now, let's say we get it, 
fully. My style is to leap into the so-whatness of things, the implications, what Jung 
called an "intuitive type" ---not that I'm more intuitive---he meant what I said, oriented 
to the implications.
       So if we were to make a firm foundation of all this that it's true, then what would 
we be empowered or encouraged to do more of or less of?

   It seems to me that the growing literature on both neuro-physiology and social 
intelligence has at least (for starters) the following implication:

It is not taught in college, and not even in medical school or psychiatric residency and I 
doubt that it's taught in most counseling programs. But I think that we need to emphasize 
and advocate for the importance of explicitly learning to be gracious, hospitable, 
courteous, warm, friendly, attentive, rather than distracted, self-absorbed, curt, rude, 
brisk, cool, etc.
         I suspect that faculty sort of take it for granted, but I wonder if they should.

    For example, what if most folks are about at a mid-range in skill in this way. They're 
reasonably nice and courteous, enough to get by, but few actually make a conscious effort 
to be gracious, to send thank you messages, to do more than what is clearly discourteous.
    On the other hand, many of these normal people think of themselves as benign, but 
actually create their lives so they feel too "busy" to attend to the little things that 
make people feel noticed and appreciated. This is the key starting point!!
      I suspect that most people don't let on that they desire more strokes; don't even 
admit to themselves that they need more strokes.

         Doctors, professionals, lots of stories about people who clients feel don't 
really listen, don't really care. Now I know that most docs care, but they haven't had 
much modeling in knowing how to show it.

       There are lots of folks who don't respond at all to repeated outreach via email, or 
only occasionaly.

Another problem is that people who want to be known, appreciated, disclose so indirectly, 
so partially, that it's hard to appreciate them if if one tried. It's as if they 
unconsciously feel/think, "If you really loved me you could read my mind."

   So the good work being done on neurophysiology is important, it helps to lay the 
foundation. My interest shifts into methods for harvesting what they've been learning, 
turning into applications.
        I also wonder about the active unconscious resistances to social bonding, the 
self-reinforcing cycle that is based on defensiveness.  Some people grow so cold that they 
defend themselves from knowing how hungry their heart is for someone to notice, to care, 
to want to know who you are, to be your friend.  Their vague wistful fantasy may whisper, 
"Does that happen anymore?  Or was that just in children's stories, so it seemed?"

 I do believe we're in a world of significant alienation, and part of that is that people 
who are lonely and not getting enough strokes-- I'm big into Eric Berne's concept of 
strokes--- and I think most healthy people are getting now about 50% of the number of 
strokes that would be optimal.  I think folks have forgotten to dream again that there 
could be communities where people felt relaxed enough, where there was sufficient group 
cohesion and morale, so that A might take the time to ask B, How're ya doin? and really 
want to know.

   I guess this also fits with another thought that when Moreno talked about groups, he 
was referring not to psychotherapy groups (or only peripherally), but more the general 
sense of we-ness, of community, of what can people do to promote community-feeling and 
build on community energy.

    More reflections on your comments later.   warmly, adam