neuroscience and social feeling
Adam Blatner
ablatner at verizon.net
Mon Feb 15 21:48:22 CST 2010
Thinking about Buber's I and Thou, Moreno's encounter, a book I found by Paul Johnson, one of the few pastoral counselors who wrote in Moreno's journal and wrote his own book on the psychology of religion (around the 1960s) who included a small section on Moreno. I found it in an old used book store.
Anyway, the theology of interpersonalism, as Johnson called it. So when Regina Sewell said on Jan 26, I read your question, about sitting w/ my non-violent communication group and as people shared their authentic selves, made eye contact (though this is clearly cultural because some cultures do not do this) allowed themselves to connect to others, others responded by saying things like "I feel more connected to you now."
aB continues... and I realized that the encounter group or anything like it is a relatively new technology, a new worldview. Folks just didn't do this kind of thing with each other in Moreno's youth. I understood the radical nature of Buber (who was influenced by Moreno), to use the encounter as a window into how we can relate to God.
In general, the game appeals to that part of our mind that is magical: If I do the right formulas, play the right games, then you (God) will respond with favor. Many prayers might be understood as having this sub-text.
But beyond that, there's another possibility: What if you surprise me? What if you go beyond my expectations, my definitions? what if I sense a calling that goes beyond my cultural programming? Or a confrontation with something that may not fit how others have interpreted Your Will? What if, in other words, you were as out-of-control as a real other person? And what if---this stretches it--- what if you weren't in rebellion to me, fighting with me? What if I knew you were for me on the deepest level? What if we were the dearest of friends, and I had trusted you, and in a way, I had lived as if you had trusted me?
But then, what if something unfolds and you surprise me? I have to give up my assumptions. You don't fit my formulations, my expectations, my categories. You're alive, spontaneous, a thou rather than an it?! Whoa, now I have to get past my own tendencies to have relied on the cultural conserve of my own habits. I used to be able to rely on my status, my gender, my role repertoire, my cliches, what I'd learned and internalized from those I feared and hated (unconsciously) as well as admired (sometimes both for the same person!) ? What if I have to open to my own spontaneity, and the vulnerability that goes with it.
(I realized that my "Oh, what's the big deal" attitude was a result of my having marinated my young impressionable years in a psychologically intense California culture, with beatniks and phonies and authenticity and the writings of Humanistic Psychology advancing into experiences in Encounter Groups, so discovering Buber in the late 1950s was ho hum a bit. But now that I've lived in other places, and reflected on the general worldview of Western Europe (and Vienna was that) and the USA in the first half of the 20th century, I realize what a century-ahead-of-their-time this philosophical and theological attitude is! )
I realized that just as the Hindus transcended the Victorian anti-sexual prejudice (that is still pretty prevalent) and contemplated the mysteries of sexuality as a part of life, a fundamental way God keeps things going, desire, culmination, ecstasy, and often beyond the will of those involved--- and that's as valid a window on the Holy Mysteries as any relic or ancient scripture or idol---
I came to realize that another part of sex---in a way---isn't the physical theme, but the other aspect: What is a relationship, really? What can it be---that's even more to the point! Can we encounter?
I am warming up to the idea that Moreno got really excited about this as a fairly new frontier: It was psychology, social psychology, creativity, integrated. Bergson didn't take it into the one-to-one or group dynamic. I don't know that anyone else had done this more vulnerable, not-just-intellectual kind of thing---other than Moreno.
So I'm feeling into the psychology and theology of interpersonalism in some new ways. Do you know of others who have pondered these mysteries? Warmly, Adam
I've also felt continued reservation about a member of the same group even after he made himself more vulnerable, spoke from his heart rather than his head, as soon as he went back to his head and to his "story." Perhaps it s the ability that psychodrama and other forms of self-development give us to "get past our stories" and get past other people's stories that enhances tele, especially when we are able to empathize with the other.
peace,
regina
On Mon, Jan 25, 2010 at 3:35 PM, Adam Blatner wrote:
Hi Pals,
Although what I call the "hostess role" is more common and better known in women, this role and its components are not inherently or necessarily associated with women. http://www.blatner.com/adam/pdntbk/sociomnot2.htm Men can do it too, if they learn how important it is.
As for how to answer the how are you question, my dear mother-in-law (just turned 94) taught me a line that she heard friends using there at the residence where she lives, and I've begun to use it: "Counting my blessings." So even if I'm not well or life has worries or stresses, here's an excercise that's close to prayer, but not religiously pushy. I call it "gratitudinism."
My problem is that if people were to ask me how I am, I'd be tempted to say, "Thinkin' about exciting things, ideas, problems. Check out my blog." or other stuff... but that's sort of eccentric. I just had an acquaintance ask me, "Hi, Adam, still thinking about things?"
I was tempted to say, "Duh. Doesn't everyone think about things a lot?" But then I realized the answer. It depends on what you mean by thinking.
Anyway, my point is that beyond the greetings, a significant related point in sociometry is the idea that we can do a lot to develop the tele in our social network. There are also limits to what we can do. Sometimes we can't make ourselves fit more than partly with certain others or groups. But I think more people err on the side of holding back, unconsciously avoiding risk lest the response be lukewarm or indifferent, and that would feel a bit humiliating and hurt. It is just this edge that I want to gently encourage shifting in the direction of a little more interpersonal risk-taking. Can tele be enhanced?
Warmly, Adam
----- Original Message -----
From: thana ag
To: regina sewell; adam blatner
Cc: list at grouptalkweb.org
Sent: Monday, January 25, 2010 1:53 PM
Subject: RE: neuroscience and social feeling
Hi Adam,Regina, and All
Interestingly the Kabballah states that love is found the connection between us,and in order to feel connected we need to to act in a way that we will fell connected. "love thy neighbor" would mean feel connected to them. That pleasurable experience that filsl one up is described as of feminine quality.
In my experience it is the genuine concern of the waiter that gives me a whiff of that pleasurable feeling of connectness and I feel like responding in kindness and I tip joyfully and enjoy paying the dr's bill. But I do not necesserily experience it when I am the recipient of the the cultural conserve : so how are the children/spouse/dog when the party is clearly not particularly interested in my answer ,and I feel the words getting stuck in my throat but my politeness requires that I answer the Q .
Genuine concern requires less time. It is after all an attitudenot necessarily a skill, worth cultivating, and it seems that it may be an attitude necessary for our survival in a future marked by evolved technology.
So Adam ,Regina,and Rest: how are you? It is rainy and gloomy in New York,and I am happy for those of you who can enjoy some sunshine today.
sunny hugs,
anath
anath garber
> Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:08:00 -0500
> From: reginasewell at optonline.net
> Subject: RE: neuroscience and social feeling
> To: adam at blatner.com
> CC: list at grouptalkweb.org
>
> Adam,
>
> Alas, what you describe -- the strokes, the curtiousness, the thank you
> note, the added question 'and how's your wife/partner/dog/child?' We
> used to call that good manners. It seems in our time obsessed society,
> we've let go of that piece of the old cultural conserve.
>
> I saw a news clip on bullying in schools that looked at social
> hierarchies and who made it to the top. The people who make it to the
> top tend -- if male be good at sports, mature early, and/or be funny.
> Money of course is helpful. Girls, it's money and looks... And some
> of this ties into social skills. The people who have better social
> skills from the get go tend to acquire even more skills as adults
> because they are around other socially skilled people. They socially
> clueless tend to remain socially clueless because they hang out w/ other
> clueless people -- that's the theory anyway. At some level, this links
> with Seigel's attachment theory. It starts so early. And yet, it can
> be learned.
>
> And it has big impact. According to news reports, for example, the
> doctors who get sued are not the least competent. They are the biggest
> assholes. I know it works w/ tips and waiters. Charm and genuine
> concern go much further than getting the order perfectly right and the
> water perfectly on time.
>
> As I write this, I'm noting that we all have a fundamental need for
> connection and yet our culture has, I think, taught us that doing those
> things which foster connection are feminine, subservient and thus signs
> of weakness.
>
> Peace,
> regina
>
>
> On Fri, Jan 22, 2010 at 5:18 PM, Adam Blatner wrote:
>
> > Dear Regina,
> > I appreciate your bringing up Siegel, because indeed the
> > neurophysiologists and new research in cognitive and social psychology
> > all are supporting the power of interpersonal psychic resonance.
> > People pick up subtle cues and respond. Now, let's say we get it,
> > fully. My style is to leap into the so-whatness of things, the
> > implications, what Jung called an "intuitive type" ---not that I'm
> > more intuitive---he meant what I said, oriented to the implications.
> > So if we were to make a firm foundation of all this that it's
> > true, then what would we be empowered or encouraged to do more of or
> > less of?
> >
> > It seems to me that the growing literature on both neuro-physiology
> > and social intelligence has at least (for starters) the following
> > implication:
> >
> > It is not taught in college, and not even in medical school or
> > psychiatric residency and I doubt that it's taught in most counseling
> > programs. But I think that we need to emphasize and advocate for the
> > importance of explicitly learning to be gracious, hospitable,
> > courteous, warm, friendly, attentive, rather than distracted,
> > self-absorbed, curt, rude, brisk, cool, etc.
> > I suspect that faculty sort of take it for granted, but I
> > wonder if they should.
> >
> > For example, what if most folks are about at a mid-range in skill
> > in this way. They're reasonably nice and courteous, enough to get by,
> > but few actually make a conscious effort to be gracious, to send thank
> > you messages, to do more than what is clearly discourteous.
> > On the other hand, many of these normal people think of themselves
> > as benign, but actually create their lives so they feel too "busy" to
> > attend to the little things that make people feel noticed and
> > appreciated. This is the key starting point!!
> > I suspect that most people don't let on that they desire more
> > strokes; don't even admit to themselves that they need more strokes.
> >
> > Doctors, professionals, lots of stories about people who
> > clients feel don't really listen, don't really care. Now I know that
> > most docs care, but they haven't had much modeling in knowing how to
> > show it.
> >
> > There are lots of folks who don't respond at all to repeated
> > outreach via email, or only occasionaly.
> >
> > Another problem is that people who want to be known, appreciated,
> > disclose so indirectly, so partially, that it's hard to appreciate
> > them if if one tried. It's as if they unconsciously feel/think, "If
> > you really loved me you could read my mind."
> >
> > So the good work being done on neurophysiology is important, it
> > helps to lay the foundation. My interest shifts into methods for
> > harvesting what they've been learning, turning into applications.
> > I also wonder about the active unconscious resistances to
> > social bonding, the self-reinforcing cycle that is based on
> > defensiveness. Some people grow so cold that they defend themselves
> > from knowing how hungry their heart is for someone to notice, to care,
> > to want to know who you are, to be your friend. Their vague wistful
> > fantasy may whisper, "Does that happen anymore? Or was that just in
> > children's stories, so it seemed?"
> >
> > I do believe we're in a world of significant alienation, and part of
> > that is that people who are lonely and not getting enough strokes--
> > I'm big into Eric Berne's concept of strokes--- and I think most
> > healthy people are getting now about 50% of the number of strokes that
> > would be optimal. I think folks have forgotten to dream again that
> > there could be communities where people felt relaxed enough, where
> > there was sufficient group cohesion and morale, so that A might take
> > the time to ask B, How're ya doin? and really want to know.
> >
> > I guess this also fits with another thought that when Moreno talked
> > about groups, he was referring not to psychotherapy groups (or only
> > peripherally), but more the general sense of we-ness, of community, of
> > what can people do to promote community-feeling and build on community
> > energy.
> >
> > More reflections on your comments later. warmly, adam
>
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