Attachment, sociometry and alienation

[REGINA SEWELL]

Adam,
 
 Clearly, attachment and alienation are themes close to my heart.  
 
 My sense, from what I've read, is that what happens when we are young has more impact because of the way the brain works  -- that children's brain waves are much slower - first at the delta and then the theta wave states and as a result, just absorb whatever messages they get from their environments, like sponges.
 
 Metaphorically then, early environment is like soil....  you can have poor soil and keep pouring compost over it over time and make it rich soil, or rich soil and over time grow crops (be in a social environment or be with significant others) that sap or suck up all the nutrients.  
 
 I just facilitated a  "Divorced and Separated" group (they meet every Sunday and have a different "speaker" each week. I somehow got roped in and do my thing about 3 or 4 times a year).  We talked about negative messages... some from childhood, others from the ex, and some that the ex expressed that hit extra hard because they reinforced hurtful childhood messages.  And I've done a lot of work with rape and intimate abuse survivors... similar thing.  
 
 And then you bring in alienation.  My immediate reaction is "Yes!"  that's part of the problem... social connection becomes limited, we share less intimate "stuff" with others, become more isolated, and in that isolation, we "make shit up."  Max Weber was the guy who originally coined the term bureaucracy 
 and spent a lot of time looking at what was happening as we became more rational and efficient.  He went, according to the text books, catatonic for a number of years.  I always figured it was because he felt so hopeless about the human condition that he just couldn't cope.  We don't share our stories with our neighbors, our relatives, our friends....  Who has time or energy when we work so much?  And when we don't share, we don't hear their stories and, I think, we begin to think that we are different -- that no one else goes through what we go through, and because of that, that we are somehow flawed.  
 
 I love the AA line, "You're only as sick as your secrets," because it really seems to address this at least as it relates to shame.
 
 And, to paraphrase Daniel Gottleib ("Letters to Sam") - the need to be seen is even greater than the need to be known.  This resonates with me because I feel myself and watch my clients struggle with the idea of, How can you love me if you don't see me?  If you don't understand me, don't get where I'm coming from, don't really know who I am?
 
 This is a bit free form blast around your question, so I'm wondering what you and other folks think.
 
 Peace,
 
 regina sewell, Ph.D.
 

regina sewell, Ph.D.


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