sociometry and cultural norms

[Adam Blatner]

Most intriguing pont Erica makes. How do we choose to "get acquainted"?

        First, I assume that many if not most people will not develop more than medium 
positive, tepid tele with me. So the warming-up process is a way to both disclose gently 
and invite disclosure.
       I find role theory helps---the idea of searching around for roles which have some 
common interests, purposes. The second thing is to notice the ease, quality of 
self-disclosure, willingness to disclose in a way that is roughly symmetrical with my own 
(about as much for each general set of reiterations or interchanges), etc.
       For more than mild tele, I look for some interest in psychology, some willingness 
to look at their own psychological workings, some playfulness,
  And depending on the situation, perhaps some philosophy or spirituality or interests 
related to those general categories, other themes...

        Erica noted that I might want to pay attention to different inter-cultural ways to 
get acquainted, or even if not inter-cultural, the differences in temperament, style, and 
so forth.

   Some might be interested in this answer I gave to another friend who asked about what I 
had mentioned in passing, my "three-tiered-theory of friendship":

I wrote:
We should realize that few people would care that much about our interests and so conserve 
our self-disclosure. Actually, there will be enough people in the world to be appreciative 
friends, so the game is to set up a plausible filtering system.

    I imagine a three-level garden. The host sits behind a medium-sized 4-5 foot outer 
wall, observing. On the outside, people pass. They smoke, they chew gum, they toss their 
wrappers on the ground. Just outside the outer wall the host has prepared a 
low-maintenance but not insubstantial planting. There are clues and cues, ways the garden 
is edged with shells, certain plants, ways it is trimmed---so designed so that an 
appreciative passer-by might pause and really look.

     A number of people pass who at best, glance, though some don't even bother.
  Then one comes along and looks carefully. You step out from the gate. "Like the garden?"
            This is the first test.  You assess the way this person talks to you. Is s/he 
kind, courteous, curious? Check out your intuitive sense of rapport.
       S/he mentions certain items---the seashells bordering the garden, for example. You 
feel there is some slight (at least) mutual attraction. Enough so that you ask, "If you 
like the way I garden, would you like to see the garden inside?"
        The other person agrees. It's even okay if the visitor says s/he is busy but can 
we make a date?  If s/he returns on time, you spend some time entertaining. This is not a 
great investment in time or energy, just a tour around the garden, perhaps a plate of 
cookies and some tea or punch. A few hours. You are watching to see the quality of the 
ability to appreciate, the presence or absence of rapport.
      Let's say that the rapport is present.  You invite the other person for another 
visit. You find her to be as interesting as she finds you. This could be the beginning of 
a friendship. After a few visits, you invite her to the middle garden, where you share 
your treasures, share tea. Friendship becomes more established.
The point is that you don't offer yourself to others completely: Most people won't be 
interested. However, if you do this, you'll find there are still enough people who would 
enjoy being friends with you to keep you sufficiently occupied socially. Allow the process 
to unfold gently, with mutual disclosure.

 What do you think of this?
             warmly, Adam

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Erica Hollander" <ericahollander at comcast.net>
To: <List at grouptalkweb.org>
Sent: Wednesday, September 24, 2008 10:56 AM
Subject: re: sociometry and cultural norms


> Anne, I am not sure there are any cultures that do not have norms
> affecting face to face behaviors and disclosures.  I think what you
> are getting at is norms that differ from the familiar rules we use
> and expect.  But it is an interesting question.  One approach might
> be to ask members of the multicultural group each to choose a person
> with whom they have no deep relationship and then choose a means of
> getting to know one another better-- how would you go about it if you
> are from a different cultural background?  How would your mother have
> done it?  It might not be a heart to heart talk.  It might be taking
> a walk, caring for children, I don't know what.....What we see as
> revealing character and preserving dignity influences what we would
> choose, I think.  With some sharing of why I make that choice and not
> some other, the group might get some sense of its members'
> preferences for acquaintance and openings.  Erica Hollander
>
> Grouptalk mailing list
> List at grouptalkweb.org
> http://grouptalkweb.org/mailman/listinfo/list_grouptalkweb.org


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com
Version: 8.0.169 / Virus Database: 270.7.1/1687 - Release Date: 9/23/2008 6:32 PM